Dopestyle 1231, “Threshold Underbelly”
Yuck! You should care. I’m sure any emcee using the mic after you cares a lot.
This lyric is completely self-explanatory, which is why it was the shortest entry yet. And it still is.
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July 14, 2009July 11, 2009Gza, “Duel of the Iron Mic”
Adoring Fan: Oh my god! It’s the Gza!
Gza: Haha, what up kid?
Adoring Fan: Oh my god, man, I love you so much! You be that whiskey in my liver! Like, Liquid Swords, that’s like my favorite album ever! Where do you come up with your rhymes man!?
Gza: Haha, I dunno. I just spark a L and mediate, you know?
Adoring Fan: Haha, that’s wild! Man, your rhymes are just so tight! I mean, you bang like, I dunno, like a 10 car pileup on a snowy highway or something man!
Gza: Well, actually, it would have to take place during the summertime. Pay attention and you’ll notice it’s definitely not on a workday, but not neccesarily a weekend. It’s gotta be like a holiday or something. If you really listen closely, you’ll realize that July 4th is really the only day it could possibly be.
Adoring Fan: Oh yeah!! That makes sense man! It’s like the 4th of July and someone’s like careening down a narrow road by the Rockies and all the sudden they take a blind corner and have a head-on collision with a semi or something like that!
Gza: NO!! It’s not like that at all! Jeez, do you even listen to my music? It would have to take place in Bed-Stuy. You’re completely misrepresenting the way that I bang!
Adoring Fan: Oh…. I’m sorry man.. So, like, what kind of a vehicle do you think it would be? Like a ‘98 Land Cruiser or maybe some kind of a domestic 4-door sedan or something?
Gza: Don’t matter. I ain’t particular.
This was easily the most particular way I’ve ever heard someone describe the way they bang, which is itself an extremely vague term. And it still is.
Motion Man, “Clubber Lang” by Kool Keith & TOMC3
Why would this possibly be neccesary? What could Motion Man possibly have in his pockets that weighs so much that he needs the Boogeyman walking next to him, with his hands inches away from Motion Man’s crotch the entire time? Let’s be honest, he must have originally written “hold my pocketbook” but realizing how incredibly gay that sounded he changed it to “pocket” instead, which is arguably more gay and far less intelligable.
The Boogeyman was just a figment of children’s imaginations. And it still is.
July 9, 2009Kurious George, “Stop Smokin’ That Shit” by K.M.D.
This is waaaay too far of a stretch. I see what you’re trying to do, but you failed miserably. George, Kurious smoking skunk with my moms is actually nothing at all like George Bush being the type to drop bombs. They are completely unrelated matters. You can tell he just thought it was incredible that both have “George” in their names, to the extent that he refers to himself in phonebook format to make it sound more similar. This was just an incredible reach. Whhhhhyyy?
Just like Meg Ryan was the type to meet Harry, Landau, Ryan was the type to write about hiphop on the internet. And he still is.
Skatterman, “F.T.I.” by Tech N9ne
Has Skatterman ever even heard a hiphop song before? Selling crack is approximately 35% of being an emcee. I mean, seriously, what does Skatterman think is happening at the record studio?
Record Exec #1: Well, #2, what do you have for me today?
Record Exec #2: Well, I think you’re really gonna like who I’ve found for you. There’s this guy Skatterman. He is the next big thing, I mean serious!
Record Exec #1: Great! I’m glad to hear it, let’s-
Record Exec #2: Uhh, there’s just one thing. It seems he has a bit of a criminal past.
Record Exec #1: What? Like a moving violation or something?
Record Exec #2: Well, actually it seems he used to sell crack…
Record Exec #1: Dear God!…. Well, I certainly don’t think anyone’s going to want to hear any rap music from a CRIMINAL! *Sigh* We’d better pass on this option…. What else have you got for me?
Record Exec #2: Well, there’s this other rapper named Fifty Cents, the kids seem to like him a lot.
Record Exec #1: Brilliant!
Record Exec #2: The only thing is…. It seems he’s been shot by a firearm before.
Record Exec #1: Shosh sharnit!! How the friggin’ heck do these people think I’m going to be able to market them?!?
P.S. You’re not Malcom X! I realize that the laws concerning crack cocaine in America are unbelievably draconian, but you’re not exactly a political prisoner.
This was obviously just an excuse a record exec once told Skatterman in order to let him down easy. And it still is.