OHHHH SHIT!!! He just said you don’t even know the sequences to the Human Genome Project!!! Are you gonna take that shit!?! Wait a minute, neither do I. Also, neither does Canibus. I’m positive. And if by some incredible chance he does, then he’s too nerdy to be an emcee. Ghetto pass revoked with extreme prejudice.

The Human Genome Project (HGP) was an international scientific research project with a primary goal to determine the sequence of chemical base pairs which make up DNA and to identify and map the approximately 20,000-25,000 genes of the human genome from both a physical and functional standpoint. And it still is.

On one hand, this shows an incredible sense of self-awareness on the part of Freddie Foxxx. On the other hand, he seems to think that this is somehow a good thing and worth bragging about. I did a little research and it appears he’s been of this mindset all his life. For instance, in 3rd grade:

Third Grade Teacher: Can anyone tell me what 2 times 8 is? Anyone? Ughh, Freddie?

Freddie Foxxx: SOUTH DAKOTA!!!

Third Grade Teacher: No Freddie. Uh, that’s just terrible.

Freddie Foxxx: WHAT DO YOU MEAN BITCH!? DIDN’T YOU HEAR HOW LOOOUUUD I’M GETTING!?! WHAT UP TO M.O.P.!!!!! WHAT!?! WHAT!?! THAT’S HOW WE DO IT IN THE THREE-GEE SON!!! WE HOLDIN’ IT DOWN! DRINKING YOOHOOS AND SHIT ALL DAY!! WE PLAY KICKBALL WITH DISCO BALLS BITCH!!! YOU WAKE ME UP AT NAP TIME, YOU TAKE A SLUG FROM THE BLACK NINE!!!! WHAT!? WHAT!? WHAT!?

Third Grade Teacher: Listen Freddie… I got you this helmet.. I want you to start wearing it from now on. It might help prevent you from getting stupider.

Freddie Foxxx: M.O.P. BITCH!! M.O.P.!!!!

This isn’t something you should go around telling people, although it was factually correct. And it still is.

He should have just said he was notorious for the six-fives and left it at that. Yeah, I know he probably means “BMWs”. He wouldn’t be the first rapper to use the term and it sure makes a lot more sense in the context. But still, I really wanna believe he means shitty poopoo caca.

Notoriety for your BM’s would generally have been considered a bad thing back in 17th century France. And it still is.

Wow. I like a nigga who is quick-witted also, but not nearly as much as you. Also, thanks for the overboard graphic description of your ejaculation, just in case anyone was still comfortable with the larger point of said quick-witted niggas making you feel that way. Now that we’re all fully aware of how you feel about people you like, what about people you don’t like?

Would you maybe like to try that line again, this time referencing one less body part?

I had a third body-part line from this song, but then I heard “You write articles, I’ma rip apart ya skull” so my plan became: stop. And it still is.

Perhaps not, but you would play yourself in an entirely different way. You see, this would be a fantastic punchline if “ricki” were an adjective that could be used to describe a lake. However, considering that “ricki” is, in fact, NOT a word at all, this is fucking terrible nonsense. Besides, it’s not like being thrown in a lake is a common occurance to begin with, it’s certainly not something that has happened to all emcees at one point or another, you should’ve just let this one go. Here’s a multiple choice question for you, please choose the answer that you think is best:

I wouldn’t play myself like all you emcees and:

a. Get thrown in ricki lakes
b. Get tossed into brad pits
c. Get flung into joan rivers
d. Get lobbed into michael bays
e. Get rocket jumped into ryan seacrests
f. None of the above

While you think about your answer, please enjoy some additional ricky-nonwords.

The answer was (f). And it still is.

Yuck! You should care. I’m sure any emcee using the mic after you cares a lot.

This lyric is completely self-explanatory, which is why it was the shortest entry yet. And it still is.

Adoring Fan: Oh my god! It’s the Gza!
Gza: Haha, what up kid?
Adoring Fan: Oh my god, man, I love you so much! You be that whiskey in my liver! Like, Liquid Swords, that’s like my favorite album ever! Where do you come up with your rhymes man!?
Gza: Haha, I dunno. I just spark a L and mediate, you know?
Adoring Fan: Haha, that’s wild! Man, your rhymes are just so tight! I mean, you bang like, I dunno, like a 10 car pileup on a snowy highway or something man!
Gza: Well, actually, it would have to take place during the summertime. Pay attention and you’ll notice it’s definitely not on a workday, but not neccesarily a weekend. It’s gotta be like a holiday or something. If you really listen closely, you’ll realize that July 4th is really the only day it could possibly be.
Adoring Fan: Oh yeah!! That makes sense man! It’s like the 4th of July and someone’s like careening down a narrow road by the Rockies and all the sudden they take a blind corner and have a head-on collision with a semi or something like that!
Gza: NO!! It’s not like that at all! Jeez, do you even listen to my music? It would have to take place in Bed-Stuy. You’re completely misrepresenting the way that I bang!
Adoring Fan: Oh…. I’m sorry man.. So, like, what kind of a vehicle do you think it would be? Like a ‘98 Land Cruiser or maybe some kind of a domestic 4-door sedan or something?
Gza: Don’t matter. I ain’t particular.

This was easily the most particular way I’ve ever heard someone describe the way they bang, which is itself an extremely vague term. And it still is.

Why would this possibly be neccesary? What could Motion Man possibly have in his pockets that weighs so much that he needs the Boogeyman walking next to him, with his hands inches away from Motion Man’s crotch the entire time? Let’s be honest, he must have originally written “hold my pocketbook” but realizing how incredibly gay that sounded he changed it to “pocket” instead, which is arguably more gay and far less intelligable.

The Boogeyman was just a figment of children’s imaginations. And it still is.

This is waaaay too far of a stretch. I see what you’re trying to do, but you failed miserably. George, Kurious smoking skunk with my moms is actually nothing at all like George Bush being the type to drop bombs. They are completely unrelated matters. You can tell he just thought it was incredible that both have “George” in their names, to the extent that he refers to himself in phonebook format to make it sound more similar. This was just an incredible reach. Whhhhhyyy?

Just like Meg Ryan was the type to meet Harry, Landau, Ryan was the type to write about hiphop on the internet. And he still is.

Has Skatterman ever even heard a hiphop song before? Selling crack is approximately 35% of being an emcee. I mean, seriously, what does Skatterman think is happening at the record studio?

Record Exec #1: Well, #2, what do you have for me today?
Record Exec #2: Well, I think you’re really gonna like who I’ve found for you. There’s this guy Skatterman. He is the next big thing, I mean serious!
Record Exec #1: Great! I’m glad to hear it, let’s-
Record Exec #2: Uhh, there’s just one thing. It seems he has a bit of a criminal past.
Record Exec #1: What? Like a moving violation or something?
Record Exec #2: Well, actually it seems he used to sell crack…
Record Exec #1: Dear God!…. Well, I certainly don’t think anyone’s going to want to hear any rap music from a CRIMINAL! *Sigh* We’d better pass on this option…. What else have you got for me?
Record Exec #2: Well, there’s this other rapper named Fifty Cents, the kids seem to like him a lot.
Record Exec #1: Brilliant!
Record Exec #2: The only thing is…. It seems he’s been shot by a firearm before.
Record Exec #1: Shosh sharnit!! How the friggin’ heck do these people think I’m going to be able to market them?!?

P.S. You’re not Malcom X! I realize that the laws concerning crack cocaine in America are unbelievably draconian, but you’re not exactly a political prisoner.

This was obviously just an excuse a record exec once told Skatterman in order to let him down easy. And it still is.